Happy Singles Awareness Day.
Yes. That's right. I refuse to use the mainstream title of “Valentine’s
Day” because I’m trying to bring awareness to a very serious problem.
The Single Person, scientifically known as sola persona, has become extremely
scarce in the last few weeks. If we, as a single-minded society, do not act
now, we may lose this beautiful and unique species entirely.
Causes of Disappearance
No one in the scientific, medical, social, political, or
philosophical fields can pinpoint what exactly is reducing our numbers of sola personae. However, many conspiracy
theorists have recently spun ideas which attempt to explain the rapid decline of
sola personae seen in the last few
weeks.
Some theories implicate the recent presidential election for
one western nation as the cause; others, the destruction of delicate ecological
systems, including such acts as deforestation and water pollution. One
outlandish theory even points to “Valentine’s Day” as the culprit, stating that
the emphasis placed on having a sweetheart opposes the survival of the sola personae. In other words, Valentine’s
Day is claimed by some to celebrate “togetherness,” or more specifically, “non-singleness,”
rather than “singleness.” However, few of the academic elite subscribe to this
unlikely proposition.
In the News
Several news pundits from all the major news outlets have
commented on the events of the last few days with increasing consternation.
Several celebrities have even gone so far as to dedicate 5% of their daily
Twitter output to this topic.
Public opinion polls indicate that global warming is the
most likely factor causing the decline of Single People.
Scientists the world over are working around the clock the
stabilize Single People population numbers, but vigilante groups have formed
with the sole purpose of finding and protecting all remaining sola personae. They are scouring the
most likely locations Single People will be located in; when they find one,
these groups immediately move the Single Person to an undisclosed location
where they will be safe from any attempts to change their Facebook relationship
status.
Why it Matters
There are countless reasons why we need to SAVE THE SINGLE
PEOPLE, several of which I list here:
1. Future
generations deserve to see the members of this species; we need to SAVE THE
SINGLE PEOPLE for posterity!
2. Single
People single-handedly have provided inspiration for hundreds of songs, poems,
Facebook memes, and characters/character types, namely “The Perpetual Bachelor,”
“The Unrequited Lover,” “The Wallflower,” and “The Not Handsome Enough to Tempt
Me Potential Dancing Partner.” The disappearance of this species would be a
serious loss to art and culture.
3. Hundreds
of people throughout history have turned to Single People (who are typically
regarded as “clear-thinking individuals”) when faced with the catastrophic and
logic-destroying event known as “falling in love.” The loss of Single People
would deprive the world of deep wells of insight and
long-suffering-from-listening-to-friends-complain-about-problems-they-would-love-to-have.
4. Perhaps
the most devastating loss ensuing the disappearance of Single People will be
that there will be no more third-wheels to provide convenient and awkward foils
for cute couples.
What YOU Can Do
There are many ways you can support the cause, such as
donating to organizations that support Single People (business models that
discourage having a life outside of work) and boycotting those that imperil
them (every dating website and app ever).
One of the best things you can do, though, is to be ready to
help endangered Single People in your everyday life. If you see a Single
Person, you have a duty to humanity to keep him or her safe. Below is a list of
steps to take when a Single Person has been sighted.
1. Approach
slowly, hands in the air to show you don’t have an engagement ring, rose, or
baked goodies in them.
2. Speak
loudly and in a monotone so that they don’t have any chance of making the
mistake of thinking that you care for them any more than a friend.
3. Say
what seems appropriate for the situation, but it is best to start with the
phrase, “I’m not here to date you.” If they look particularly agitated, DO NOT
imperil the situation by giving them compliments.
4. Call
the proper authorities in your area so that they can tag and track the Single
Person you have found.
How to Identify the Sola Persona
There are many indicators that you have found a single
person. This list is not inclusive, but bulleted below are some of the major
clues:
·
Over the age of 18
·
No ring on the wedding-band finger
·
Facebook relationship status of “single”
·
Eating alone at a restaurant
·
Tell-tale behaviors
o
Female Single People tend to travel in packs,
often referred to as “girl squads.” You can tell you have encountered a “girl
squad” if you hear certain terms (e.g., “squad goalz,” “a friend tried to set
me up recently,” and “I don’t need a man…but it’d sure be nice to have one”) or
specific songs (e.g., “Single Ladies” “Hide Away,” and “When Will My Life
Begin?” [from Tangled]).
o
Male Single People might produce a facial
contortion known as a “smolder” if they believe no one is watching; the “smolder”
occurs when they are thinking about how they will never end up with the girl of
their dreams as she walks away.
o
Even though Valentine’s Day has no likely
connection with the current crisis, Single People tend to act differently when
the holiday comes up. They will eat unearthly amounts of ice cream, watch
rom-coms, ugly-cry, stay at home, and/or start novenas to St. Anne. This behavior
disappears quickly, and symptoms disappear entirely as soon as the discount
Valentine’s Day candy at Wal-Mart disappears.
You are more likely to find Single People if you search the
places they typically congregate. You can find them alone in their domiciles
most evenings, especially on February 14th. They also gather in
quiet corners at parties, but sit together at family gatherings at the
unofficial-but-designated-table-for-Single-People.
Thank you for joining the cause and spreading awareness on Singles Awareness Day – because together, we can
SAVE THE SINGLE PEOPLE.
