Singles Awareness Day: A Satire

Happy Singles Awareness Day.

Yes. That's right. I refuse to use the mainstream title of “Valentine’s Day” because I’m trying to bring awareness to a very serious problem.

The Single Person, scientifically known as sola persona, has become extremely scarce in the last few weeks. If we, as a single-minded society, do not act now, we may lose this beautiful and unique species entirely.

Causes of Disappearance

No one in the scientific, medical, social, political, or philosophical fields can pinpoint what exactly is reducing our numbers of sola personae. However, many conspiracy theorists have recently spun ideas which attempt to explain the rapid decline of sola personae seen in the last few weeks.

Some theories implicate the recent presidential election for one western nation as the cause; others, the destruction of delicate ecological systems, including such acts as deforestation and water pollution. One outlandish theory even points to “Valentine’s Day” as the culprit, stating that the emphasis placed on having a sweetheart opposes the survival of the sola personae. In other words, Valentine’s Day is claimed by some to celebrate “togetherness,” or more specifically, “non-singleness,” rather than “singleness.” However, few of the academic elite subscribe to this unlikely proposition.

In the News

Several news pundits from all the major news outlets have commented on the events of the last few days with increasing consternation. Several celebrities have even gone so far as to dedicate 5% of their daily Twitter output to this topic.

Public opinion polls indicate that global warming is the most likely factor causing the decline of Single People.

Scientists the world over are working around the clock the stabilize Single People population numbers, but vigilante groups have formed with the sole purpose of finding and protecting all remaining sola personae. They are scouring the most likely locations Single People will be located in; when they find one, these groups immediately move the Single Person to an undisclosed location where they will be safe from any attempts to change their Facebook relationship status.

Why it Matters

There are countless reasons why we need to SAVE THE SINGLE PEOPLE, several of which I list here:

1.      Future generations deserve to see the members of this species; we need to SAVE THE SINGLE PEOPLE for posterity!

2.      Single People single-handedly have provided inspiration for hundreds of songs, poems, Facebook memes, and characters/character types, namely “The Perpetual Bachelor,” “The Unrequited Lover,” “The Wallflower,” and “The Not Handsome Enough to Tempt Me Potential Dancing Partner.” The disappearance of this species would be a serious loss to art and culture.

3.      Hundreds of people throughout history have turned to Single People (who are typically regarded as “clear-thinking individuals”) when faced with the catastrophic and logic-destroying event known as “falling in love.” The loss of Single People would deprive the world of deep wells of insight and long-suffering-from-listening-to-friends-complain-about-problems-they-would-love-to-have.

4.      Perhaps the most devastating loss ensuing the disappearance of Single People will be that there will be no more third-wheels to provide convenient and awkward foils for cute couples.

What YOU Can Do

There are many ways you can support the cause, such as donating to organizations that support Single People (business models that discourage having a life outside of work) and boycotting those that imperil them (every dating website and app ever).

One of the best things you can do, though, is to be ready to help endangered Single People in your everyday life. If you see a Single Person, you have a duty to humanity to keep him or her safe. Below is a list of steps to take when a Single Person has been sighted.

1.      Approach slowly, hands in the air to show you don’t have an engagement ring, rose, or baked goodies in them.

2.      Speak loudly and in a monotone so that they don’t have any chance of making the mistake of thinking that you care for them any more than a friend.

3.      Say what seems appropriate for the situation, but it is best to start with the phrase, “I’m not here to date you.” If they look particularly agitated, DO NOT imperil the situation by giving them compliments.

4.      Call the proper authorities in your area so that they can tag and track the Single Person you have found.

How to Identify the Sola Persona

There are many indicators that you have found a single person. This list is not inclusive, but bulleted below are some of the major clues:

·         Over the age of 18

·         No ring on the wedding-band finger

·         Facebook relationship status of “single”

·         Eating alone at a restaurant

·         Tell-tale behaviors

o   Female Single People tend to travel in packs, often referred to as “girl squads.” You can tell you have encountered a “girl squad” if you hear certain terms (e.g., “squad goalz,” “a friend tried to set me up recently,” and “I don’t need a man…but it’d sure be nice to have one”) or specific songs (e.g., “Single Ladies” “Hide Away,” and “When Will My Life Begin?” [from Tangled]).

o   Male Single People might produce a facial contortion known as a “smolder” if they believe no one is watching; the “smolder” occurs when they are thinking about how they will never end up with the girl of their dreams as she walks away.

o   Even though Valentine’s Day has no likely connection with the current crisis, Single People tend to act differently when the holiday comes up. They will eat unearthly amounts of ice cream, watch rom-coms, ugly-cry, stay at home, and/or start novenas to St. Anne. This behavior disappears quickly, and symptoms disappear entirely as soon as the discount Valentine’s Day candy at Wal-Mart disappears.

You are more likely to find Single People if you search the places they typically congregate. You can find them alone in their domiciles most evenings, especially on February 14^th. They also gather in quiet corners at parties, but sit together at family gatherings at the unofficial-but-designated-table-for-Single-People.

Thank you for joining the cause and spreading awareness on Singles Awareness Day – because together, we can SAVE THE SINGLE PEOPLE.